One Year Ago Our Hearts Were Broken

This was my post from one year ago today. Today we celebrated two of my favorite little girls (show below broken hearted) birthdays. This year we celebrate knowing that there is an end in sight! On our one year anniversary of our battalions deployment and our families being seperated we know that a few short months from now it's all going to be over with and we will have our soldiers back!

Remember to be grateful for every moment you have with your families!

So here it is. From May 2, 2008:


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Have you ever stopped long enough in your life to look around. To really really look at other people? Have you wondered how much families really care about each other and how much love they have to give? I often see people and think to myself (or maybe to my friends) how unlikely a couple looks together and wonder how their life really is behind closed doors. Or have you seen that group of teenage kids walking down the street all in black with crazy hair and every possible visible pierced part of their body shining with metal studs and wondered where on earth their parents were when they did that? Maybe Dad had spent four years of their teenage years deployed and Mom was wise enough to choose battles that protected their safety and let them make harmless stupid mistakes that they might regret later.



Today we did this at a time when families were at their most vulnerable. Having to watch your soldier form up for that last formation before being whisked away on crowded buses to an airport to board a plane with an M16 strapped to their back. Their weapon now sleeps beside them where their wives and children should be. How often do you turn your child away and send them back to their beds at night so you can sleep comfortably in yours without them kicking you all night long or waking up with their feet in your nose. And without thinking about that child who just said goodbye to their daddy (or mommy) for what seems a lifetime to them and could very well be a lifetime. How many times does a soldier have to go to war and come back alive before the statistics grab him too?




This is our life. This is what we do. And some of you may say "well you signed up for this is your choice, you knew what you were getting yourself into." For those of you who say that please click the little x at the top right corner now. For those of you who understand that we didn't sign up for this because we love being broke, alone and worried. We love our country. We love our freedom and we need to know that when we leave this Earth we did our part in making sure that someone else lived a better, safer life because of our sacrifice. Our soldiers fight for people who don't care who they are and don't want to hear the horror stories or pay their medical cost for a lifetime of pain. For people more worried about money then ensuring that their great great grandchildren will also be able to be free. Our guys don't want to go to war. They don't want to leave us behind but it's their duty. They feel it's what they should do for all of us left behind. They hate being away, they hate the life they lead while they are gone. They hate seeing their battle buddy wounded. And yet they do all of this to be hated by so many people who just don't get it.



We get it. We really do. We'd love for the war to end tomorrow and our guys to come home. But we know there is a reason. They believe in what they are fighting for. They are protecting us from more attacks on US soil by taking out the bad guy on his own sand (not much soil from the pictures I've seen).

Some of the younger kids have no idea what's happening. They are the lucky ones.


We'll send them letters, care packages filled with all of their favorite non-perishable items. Pictures, video's, phone calls and emails is what we have and we're so grateful for every bit of it! Civilians get contracted out to go to Iraq and Afghanistan and make at least twice as much money without all of the dangers. The military is like the legal way to have cheap labor. Instead of sweatshops they hang out in the desert dodging bullets. They do it anyway. It's okay because they have a support system. They have families at home who love them and miss them.



Deployments make us stronger. We learn how to be single parents. And while many civilians are too it's different. You see we have husbands, we just can see them or touch them. We still have to take care of them from afar. We send them the things they need, listen when they need to vent, take the brunt of their frustration backed by professions of undying love for us and their children. We have to try day after day to explain to little ones that Daddy is helping the good guys (not fighting the bad guys unless you want to battle with nightmares). We live far from family and can't call for a babysitter whenever we want because the people we'd want to see are in our boat. We can't afford to travel to see our parents and have help from family very often and when we do we have to plan it around school and R&R and God knows what.



Ok I'm done complaining. I love my life. I love my soldier. I hate that he's been gone for almost two months and will come home only to have to leave for a gazillion more but I love my freedom. My kids love their Daddy and miss him but it's all worth it in the end because it has to be. This is what we do.


I took this picture of my soldier and little guys a few weeks ago before he left for Maryland because I knew that like my close friends in the pictures above that my turn is next in a few short weeks.

Watching Him Walk Away


And here I go for all my girls.........HOOAH!

It's 2:30 in the morning but tomorrow brings another busy day and I just have to get these pictures I took edited. I'm not posting this blog till tomorrow though so I'll come back and add some pictures for you!

It's 2am on Sunday and I got the pictures added and now I can click publish. Girls thanks for letting me into your lives to invade your space and take pictures of the worst moments we can imagine but need to hold onto so badly. I love you guys and I know you'll be clicking away when I'm red faced and miserable. Thanks for being you!

Alone in a Crowded House

This weekend I had four extra adults and four extra boys join us for the weekend. My Mother in Law and sister in law along with my 6 and 9 year old nephews got here Thursday. Then Friday my Best Friend Melissa (since I was 7) along with her boyfriend and 8 and 10 year old boys arrived. We all had fun at Relay and then on Saturday headed off to the water park.

I heard from Kirke on Thursday when he sent me a brief email saying he was super busy and would call/IM asap. I didn't hear from him again other than a shorter email saying he slept on top of his wrecker until Monday.

I had a houseful of people. I was busier than I've ever been in my entire life but I felt so incredibly alone. It was as though we had tons of people we love and miss and haven't seen a long time here with us but there was something missing. My Kirke wasn't here and it's hard to be around happy people who you know are missing him too but are afraid to say it out loud because no one wants to upset you. His mom didn't even hardly ask about him or talk about him at all. It sucked. My friends here get it because they are going through it but to see my best friend with her new boyfriend and seeing all that new love unfolding is hard. The playfulness and stolen glances are bittersweet to see. You see, I want nothing more than for her to meet someone, settle down and be done on the dating scene with a man she really loves. Maybe this is it. I hope so. But It's kinda like sitting at a table when you're on a diet eating lettuce when everyone else has your favorite dish that you just slaved over making and you can't have it!

I can't understand the feeling of solitude when you have so many people who love you right there beside you. I would expect that having company would make me happier for a few days. It did, it really did but it also made me more aware of how much I miss Kirke. Then on Sunday they all left at the same time. My heart broke as I hugged them all goodbye. We got in the car and drove home in tears again. I feel like everyone is always leaving us behind. I think if I didn't hate it here so much maybe I wouldn't be so sad and miserable.

Kirke I love you and I miss you much baby! Days like these the make the next year we'll be apart seem impossible to get through.

I'm Losing My Mind Already

Well it's been a long day. We came home from dropping off Kirke around 1. I edited all of the pictures Amber took for us and then I let the boys watch cartoons and I laid down for an hour. When I woke up we waited on Amber and to get here and then we went to McDonalds for dinner with Brandy's family. Then we decided to rent 27 dresses and go to Brandy's new house to watch it. Good movie but too long in my opinion.

We just got home a little bit ago and found a pretty little gift all for me! Thanks Roxy!! Guess what it was? Give up? Ok ok I'll tell you.....socks! Yep lots of very cute socks just for me. Socks make me happy and it worked! Thanks so much!

I was feeling pretty good right up until my horrible mind tricked me. Kirke's plane was late leaving St Louis so they missed their connecting flight to Kuwait. The airline put them up in a hotel for the night. In my little jumbled up mind got it in my head at midnight that they were stuck in St Louis for the night. I got so out of hand with this thought that I got excited thinking we'd load up and go on up there to spend tomorrow with him since his flight is a red-eye. As if that wasn't bad enough I even asked the boys if they'd like to go spend the day with daddy tomorrow. They of course said yes. AND I even text messaged Kirke to tell him we were heading to St Louis.

Then my brain kicked back in and said "hey stupid he's not in STL he's over 18 hours away". Oops. Then I had to re-break the boys hearts and tell them Mommy got confused and Daddy isn't in STL. I feel so disappointed that I had let my error in my head get so out of control so fast that it hurt so bad when the reality sunk in. We can't just go and see him anymore. After tomorrow we can't call him or text message him just because we want to either. Is it too late to decide this military lifestyle isn't for me?


Ok lets laugh a little okay. So the Brigade Commander (I think that's who she was she was a Lieutenant Colonel) was talking to my boys and even presented them with a Brigade Coin for their support of the Army. Afterwards she was talking to me and asked when I was due. Yep that's right I've lost around 30 pounds, probably gained 20 back by now but still, and she thought I was pregnant. She said "and when are you due?" and I looked at her and said "never"! She looked like she might panic at this point and said "oh I'm sorry, I can't believe I just did that" and I said "yeah after my hysterectomy we decided we were done having kids". Then a few minutes later I saw Amber pointing the camera in our direction. I decided I'd use that moment to show my mean face at her (she didn't see but who knows who might have) for asking me if I was pregnant!


Then as I looked at the pictures Amber took I realized my shirt made me look about 5 months pregnant. I burned it put it in a bag to donate to goodwill as soon as I got home. Actually I threw it in the trash but decided now that is a wasteful thing to do and I wanna go green so we'll recycle that shirt to someone who is pregnant.

Here's some more pictures for your viewing pleasure (or not if you don't want to see what it really is like for a military family to say goodbye for over a year).

Countdown's Over Let the Saddness and Fear Begin

Why is it that when we are counting down to the date our soldiers are deployed that it is so short and happens so fast, yet once our soldiers do leave the count down until they come home to us is so long? We had an idea when he'd be leaving but didn't know for sure until it was less than two weeks away. Now we have over 400 days until he comes home for good. What can I do with 400 days? 400 nights of sleeping alone. 400 dinners without my husband to wash the dishes afterwards and fill up my Pepsi enjoy them with me. 400 nights of tucking in sad little boys. 400 days of fearing the unmentionable.

Kirke called me from the airport. He said that when they were checking in the lady at United Airlines was trying to charge them for their over weight luggage. Kirke had to step in and explain to the lady that the Army is paying for it because it's all Army gear and they paid a ton for the damn tickets. The lady said "Yeah with the tax payers money!"

Can you believe the nerve of this lady? Here you have four young soldiers, Kirke was by far the oldest at 29, leaving behind wives and children to go fight for her damn freedom and she has the gall to complain about the burden placed on the American public to ship their protective gear to Iraq with them!! She also kept making them move their very heavy bags out of the way so she could wait on first class customers. Wouldn't you think those customers would say "no thank you ma'am please finish up with these brave men first". It's obvious where they're going when they have all of that military luggage and had their orders out.

I did what any irrational, crazy heartbroken soldiers wife good citizen would do. I called United Airlines and asked to speak to a supervisor and filed a complaint. I also intend to send an email to the St Louis airport about the way that their staff is treating American Soldiers and to ensure it won't be happening when the next group leaves.

I was very disappointed in our country today until at 5pm when the post played Retreat and lowered the flag. My kids are very good at stopping and saluting or putting their hand over their heart. However, this isn't typical of all military children. It seems we forget to share some things with our children in the craziness of our lives. But today when my kids stopped to pay respect to our nations flag, some kids down the street who are often out and running wild stopped too. They put thier hands over their little hearts and stood motionless until the music stopped.

That was a moment to be proud of for all of us. Our children learn things from us, they see what we do and try to emulate that. Other children also see what our children do and when you see another child emulate a behavior that you're so proud of in your own child it's a sense of pride like no other.



This is Kirke and the boys hanging up the Service Flag. This flag is displayed when you have a loved one is a part of the Armed Services during a time of war. The soldier doesn't have to be deployed but we keep ours in the deployment box and the three of them hang it before he leaves and take it down when he returns.

Korbin's Heart Break AND My Fan Might Attack!!

Today has been a busy day! I got up and got little guy to school, came home hoping to relax. I'm still learning the meaning of that word! I folded some clothes vacuumed the floor and waited on the housing maintenance guy Dean (who knows us way too well) to come and bulldoze my piece of crap falling down brand new house adjust my ceiling fan AGAIN because its about to fall out of my ceiling.

This particular fan sits right above my bed. My bed sits high off the ground and the ceiling clearance isn't enough for me to swing wildly to even stand up straight on the bed to dust the fan blades cause I'm a Suzy Homemaker....or not.

My point is that I could easily be lying in bed one night trying to sleep and have my body chopped to bits by a ceiling fan that suddenly rattles free and falls the few inches between my bed and the ceiling. I've been very scared but I need the fan on to sleep. Up until last night I had been sleeping all huddled up at the far end of the bed in hopes of not being chopped to bits in my sleep but last night the horrible sound was too unbearable to sleep through so I had to turn off that fan and wrote a note on my hand to call housing:

Dear Idiot Self,
Call the freakin housing people to come fix the fan. Jacking up the house to level it all out was great but now there are nails coming through my ceilings and the fan might chop me to bits.
Sincerely,
Sleepless in the Fort

That note on my hand reminded me to call, it worked it really worked! And I'm not dying of ink poisoning like my mom always said I would so there!

Dean came and fixed the fan today, yay for me! Now I might get a good nights sleep again. Then Roxy took me and three dogs for a little walk. We walked Korbin to school and then she and I continued on a ways. Later we drove it to see how far and it was 3.5 miles, woohoo us!

The book fair is here this week at school. That's kinda my thing to help with so I roped Roxy into helping out too. Tayton and her 8 year old were put to work as well.

Then I went and stole dinner from Amber again. Tomorrow I might actually stay home. They all feel sorry for me like a little abandoned puppy so I'm milking it! Just kidding guys! I'm so grateful to have such a great group of friends here who take care of me and put up with my stupidness.

Poor little Korbin!


He broke my heart tonight!

Tayton, who hasn't shut up for more than 3 seconds all day long I believe, was laying in his bed, alone in his room just talking away! I went up to tell him to shut up and go to sleep check on my little angel and sing him to sleep. After I was done I went to peek in on Korbin who was very quiet so I figured he was being bad sleeping peacefully. I opened his door and he was under his covers like always. I heard him sniffling. I walked over and bent down and asked him what was wrong. He looked up at me and said in the sweetest little voice "I'm sad that my daddy left". I just crawled right in bed with him and held him. Upon doing so I found that his little pillow was just soaked in tears! I tried hard not to cry. I told him it's okay to miss Daddy and that I miss Daddy too.

This time is going to be really rough. We're looking at 17 months of no Daddy. Tayton handles that better than most kids, probably because he's too busy being attached to my hip to notice Daddy! No I shouldn't say that, he's become pretty outgoing lately! But I'm his rock. He does pretty good if I'm around. Korbin needs a balance of people in his life. He needs to have more than just me for his recommended daily dose of love, hugs, tickles, laughs and authority. He has become very attached to Amber's husband Christian over the past few weeks and is going to be crushed when he leaves soon too. Then their daddy, my Kirke, will be home for a couple weeks and then gone for 15 months. these poor kids can't get a break. I hope it gets easier after summer is over.


I have more to share but it will have to wait until tomorrow........if I survive a night under the blades of death!

Another bit from my family

Today my beautiful, funny, and smart sister in law said "When is Kirke being DEPORTED?"

Deported? Really? I had no idea we should even be concerned about that!

He was born in Texas and trust me when I'm there I feel like I'm in a whole different country; courtesy of my father in law pointing out how different I am from them. But I'm pretty sure you can't get deported back to Texas. Now I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure you have to go much further south for that.

When my family first met Kirke (and every subsequent visit since) I have to translate for them because he talks so fast. OH and the funniest thing is when he tries to order food at a drive through. Everytime he asks for "sprite" he gets fries. He gets so mad that he'll make me order from the passenger seat! He's been in the Army for over ten years and all it takes is ten minutes at home for him and his accent to becomes much stronger.

So anyhow when "E" asked me when Kirke is being deported I about died from laughing so hard! She fixed it and asked when he's going to be DEPLOYED. Which I think is kind of like being deported. I mean he did live there for year in 2005 so it's kind of like being sent home right? NO? I didn't think so either?

Here is our pre-deployment family picture. See his California tan? Sure he was there training.....if the Army now teaches surfing I might believe that!

Day 1 and I'm about to lose it!!

PART 1



The Dad left today. Well wait let me back up.....Kirke got out of bed got a shower as loudly as humanly possible cause I still wanted sleep! He said goodbye like 22 times then went out the door.....loudly. He came in about five minutes later, stomped his way up the stairs (which is not safe in our house....see earlier pictures) to the room and said "I can't figure out how to program Maggie without a street address"!



Of course he can't program MAGGIE , who by the way is our Magellan navigation system. Why would he be able to type in Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland and have it give him turn by turn directions to his destination! So I drag my lazy butt that hates mornings with a passion, especially when they involve the Army stealing away my husband six weeks earlier then necessary, out the door. I run out in my sweatpants, jacket and barefeet to his old beater of a car that has the doors locked! Duh look up here I am running to the car unlock the door please, I'm cold it's freezing out, please please let me in! Finally he did. (I'm sure it was really only a matter of seconds but in the morning my seconds are prescious!) And of course once I got in Maggie was "calculating route" which meant he had figured it out all on his own, I'm so proud........or mad and cold!



PART 2



Ok so then I get up, get two bratty boys dressed and ready to go to Lebanon 35 miles away for Tate's OT appointment. We stopped at Mc'D's for breakfast then proceeded to listen to my now 5 yr old cry because he wanted a cheeseburger not a mcgriddle because today he hates mcgriddles! We arrive at therapy after I blasted my music so loud on the drive I was able to pretend that the screaming from the back was simply my groupies singing along! Anyhow, at the OT clinic the receptionist smiled and said, "I tried calling about 45 minutes ago (if I had skipped the breakfast Hell I would have been there to get her call too) to tell you that his OT was out sick today." Okay seriously they open at 7am why wait till 9:15 to call me?



Then when we got in the car I noticed Korbin's eye was all pink and gunky. Nice huh? We've never experienced pink eye so why not start now! I call our military provider to get an appt and suprise surprise no openings today or tomorrow "but they can give us a one time referral off post if they have openings in the civilian dr's office". Super right? Not so much, see that meant calling another office registering him as a patient at their handy 1-800 number and then praying they could see him. OH and the person on the other end of the line was a previous host for TUPPERWARE for me and I recognized her voice and maybe her name too..... ok the name gave it away. She wanted to book a party for April, woohoo SCORE ! Yay! They had an opening, this must be my lucky day!



Home we go, took Tayton to school, and back home with Korbin. Time for the appointment so we pick up Tate early from school and go on to the doctors office. Had to fight Korbin from drinking from the drinking fountain cause they freak me out especially in a nasty doctors office full of sick people! I know shocking right? Then we wait and wait then he gets seen, yep pink eye, super. We're off. But wait, we have to check out, something new to me because we don't check out at the military dr's office we just go on our way. Then the lady cant find Korbin in the system. Turns out they spelled his name wrong! This meant I had to go use their nasty public phone set up for calling that 1-800 number again to fix their mistake while the nurse had to go change it on his prescription! UGH so much trouble! AND she tried to tell me I spelled it wrong! "Umm yeah lady you're right it's Corbin not Korbin silly me I've been messing it up for over 5 years thanks for catching that!"

Now we got home the boys are grounded which is torture to the mom. Into bed at 7 they go but wait, it's after 9 and I still hear little feet upstairs!

Let the fun begin.....bring it on, this is day 1 I'll have bags under my eyes and gray hair by Friday at this pace!

I can't find the remote!

Everything in my life seems to have a remote control. Even my laptop has one if I'm watching dvd's. It stores convienently in the computer too! The tv, dvd player, stereo, and half the kids toys have remotes too! I can pause and rewind live tv with my DVR so why can't this apply to life?

If I had a remote control for life I'd certainly be using it today. I'd pause it and then play my day in slow motion just so I don't miss anything. I'd record the smiles and witty banter between my Kirke and I. And I'd fast forward through the boys fighting over things. I'd fast forward all of my realistic fears of Kirke not making it home from Iraq this time. And I'd fast forward wondering how I'd tell the kids and not lose my mind or wonder where on Earth we'd live.

You see, as a military family our idea of "home" is different from other people's. For example my Kirke is from Texas, I'm from Michigan, we met in upstate NY, lived there on base for 10 months then moved to Alaska. It was there that we found out we were going to have a baby, after months and months of trying. We celebrated our first anniversary just before that news at the Chena Hot Springs, swimming outside at -20F with frozen hair and getting too hot in the spring! Anyhow back to my point....we had both boys in Alaska, lived there for almost six years in the same house (that was a first in my life) and we just loved it there.

Home to us is Alaska, we have no family there, we don't know many people who even still live there but it still feels like our home. We need Alaska, we need "home" sometimes. Missouri is just another stopping point on our journey with the Army on our way back home to Alaska.

If I had a remote for my life I'd fast forward to the time when we don't have to worry about deployments anymore and we can be complete family and go back home, all of us, together.

The Easter Bunny took your Daddy!

Would it be horribly wrong of me tell my boys when they wake up Easter morning and Daddy's gone (for what will seem to be an eternity) because the Easter Bunny took him? Wouldn't that be a sweeter vision for them than him in Iraq fighting the bad guys and avoiding being shot or blown up by hateful people?

The soft fluffy Easter bunny snuck in to leave your baskets and asked Daddy to help him for 15 months! Makes sense to me.....of course to Tayton, who takes everything way too literally he'd be scared to death of rabbits for life. Korbin of course still thinks he's having a Lego baby would probably laugh and tell us not to worry that when the Lego he swallowed turns into a baby he can be the new Daddy.

So he actually got his orders today. I had retained this bit of hope that maybe, just maybe it was all a mistake and that no one would do something so cruel as to take my husband from our family 7 weeks earlier than he was supposed to be leaving us. That means no Cinderella dress and no glass slippers for the Engineers ball for me.....instead I'll be the true Cinderella who gets to stay home and watch all of my friends kidlets while they go with their soldiers to the ball. No Easter, no help spring cleaning.....and oh dear God do I need help!

I'm not ready and I'm thinking the Easter Bunny story might just add the nice little humor to my life that I need right now.

Help: Two boys too young to understand but too old not to try

How in the world can you get two boys ages 5 and 6 1/2 to understand that their daddy is going to be gone for over a year of their short lives. They don't remember the last deployment in 2005. I talked to them on Friday I said "boys we need to talk about some things, Daddy is going to be going to Iraq again." They responded with "okay" and ran off to play. It's so crazy. Since the first of the year he's been in the field for two weeks in January, went to California for most of February and now has been home two weeks last friday and leaves on Easter. Who decided that was a good idea?

So now the mathematical side of me has figured out that he will have been with us for only 8 weeks.......well 10 if we count the R&R he'll get after being in the sandbox for a while.......10 weeks out of a year and a half. He wont be home until the summer of 2009. This sucks!

Ok I'm done venting done pouting! Putting back on my army wife hat and will pretend that I accept this whole situation for what it is.....my life!