My Kids are Pigs

First of all, don't let these faces fool you!

I decided just right now that my boys are disgusting!

I have a minivan (go ahead, cough, gag, giggle, point fingers and laugh I can take it) and the boys sit in a different spot every trip I'm sure. Well that's super, we like a little randomness in our home. The problem is that this means the mess in the van is not confined to their normal seats. Noooo because that would be too easy and in our house nothing is easy.....ever!

I have been telling the boys for days to clean out the van and get their junk out or I'm gonna throw it all away! Well they know that I really will but apparently didn't care. Today was their last chance and as I drug the trash can to the van they got to work saving their things.

Now you may be wondering what they could possibly have in there, and I want to know too. It turns out that they had enough clothes in the van to provide clothing for an entire preschool. I thought we were doing good on keeping clothes washed (not folded or put away, but at least clean!). Nope apparently they were just stashing their clothes in the van under the seats, in the seat pockets, under their car seats, in the cup holders and any other crack or crevice visible to only their beady little eyes! And there were more stuffed animals and toys in there than you could ever imagine!

Also there must be an unspoken right to leave all spills in the van for the mom to scrape out or stick to later.

Well dang it I quit! That's right I'm done!

We need rules! Here is what I have come up with:


1. You must be in a DOT approved car seat at all times. Five point harnesses will be worn instead of the seat belt option with the boosters. If no one else is riding with us you will use the middle row seats.

2. At no time may you eat, drink, have candy, or even cough or sneeze in my van if it requires tissues. Tissues are not allowed in my van!

3. Hands must remain in your lap the entire time we drive this is to prevent forbidden objects smuggled aboard from flying and hitting the driver, window, unsuspecting passengers or passing vehicles.

4. IF on some odd occasion I do allow you to eat in the car you will be required to count every french fry and estimated bites of all food and sign a hand receipt accepting responsibility for these items. You are responsible for either consuming or disposing of your accurate amount of fries/bites. Any stray fries or other food items found by the Mom will result in having to eat outside of the car in the nearest parking lot regardless of weather.

5. If you are permitted to drink in my van you must hold your drink with a napkin while sipping carefully and place several napkins in the cup holder where your drink will remain at rest until next sip is consumed. Drinking may only take place at stop signs, red lights and other times when the car is not in motion.

6. Any toy from a restaurant is only yours until we exit the vehicle. At this time all toys become the property of the trash can because they are generally trash and I'm tired of finding these cheaply made plastic toys all over the house.

7. Upon exiting my vehicle you will perform an inspection of all areas within the van to ensure there are no crumbs (ant attractors) chunks, paper, plastic, or other debris left behind.

8.Any spills will be attended to immediately upon the van being put in park and before you exit the vehicle.

****Failure to follow these rules will result in very strong leg muscles cause your little butt will be running along side the van on ALL future trips!****

Korbin said...

Tayton, Korbin and Cadie are playing out at the table and I just overheard this conversation:.

Korbin: But my Mama doesn't eat grass!

Cadie: Noooo, I said Llama!

Too funny, darn kids. And just so you know, I do not eat grass!

Another How You Found Me

I just clicked to see how my blog's been doing this week. Numbers are down but I haven't been visiting/commenting much so I gotta get back on that.

Of course I had to click on the keyword analysis and here's what I found:


my two children wont go to sleep
Mine won't either, it must be in the water!

i don't want to cut my hair for the army
So don't, they will cut it for ya!

peyton ogle
Who?
****Update***
I was wondering how that name led to my blog so I did a little investigation. I found that Mimi, another blogger who is a care pages Mama linked to Peyton Ogle's carepage from her blog and since I blogrolled her it led someone to my blog. So please go to Mimi's blog and read more about these little cancer kiddo's. The more people who read their stories and bring attention to these kids, the more the world will do to help fight cancer and stop the loss of sweet little kids like Mimi's 4 yr old son Julian who the world lost to cancer in January, less than a year after his diagnosis. I miss Mimi's sweet stories of King Juju! Cancer has to stop taking lives! ***
Our Relay For Life is in two weeks and my team is just a couple hundred dollars short of our goal so if you're interested in helping out you can donate to our team HERE Every dollar counts!

blood and strawberry movie
Really? You'd want to watch that?

my two army brats
That makes sense unless I change my blog name to "My Two Geographical Bastards"

why are women never happy
So! We don't have to be it's our genetic right to be miserable!

tape recorder
I wonder if someone was searching for one. Or maybe some kid wanted to know what the heck one was since they are antiques now I'm sure!

women are never happy
We just went over that.

lego kidney
Now there's a concept! Can't we just build Korbin a new kidney out of lego's and we won't have to worry about him having a broken kidney anymore? Please??

two years of kindergarten
Good idea! Or making more options available for preschool would be super and solve a ton of problems!

boys military haircut
I'm pretty sure that the mohog won't meet standards.

what can u do in the army
Move alot, push ups, get told what to do and when to do it, be separated from your family, get shot at and not be appreciated for that, wear ugly glasses in training, meet people from all over the world, list your best friends by which state you met them in, name your kids according to which duty station or deployment they were born at/during, take vacations to visit your immediate family.

time where my soldier is deployment clock widgets
Hmmm, Iraq is 8 hours ahead of central standard time. That's all I can tell ya besides that living Alaska is easier cause there is a 12 hour difference most of the year.

the army sucks
Sometimes.

stuffed meat toys
EWWW! Why would that search bring you to my blog? We don't have those here and never will cause ...yuck!

oculolinctus pictures
Umm, sorry guys! I shouldn't have posted that picture but I just had to!

mean brats
My kids are not mean that's for sure...the brat part is debatable.

mytwoarmybrats
Aww I think someone was actually looking for me! (thanks Mom)

lego brats
Can I build kids out of lego's? Cause then when I threaten to take their lips off and put them in the freezer for talking rudely to me I can actually follow through!

fetish worming
I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know!

brats on you tube
I'm sure there are plenty!

swallowing a lego
Doesn't really result in delivery of a lego baby like I told Korbin it would.

someone who has oculolinctus
I don't think it's a disease or a condition. It's a voluntary sick thing to want to do and I'm surprised anyone would be searching for someone willing to do that EWW!

army brats from india
Nope mine originated in Alaska. We have a lot of months that are too cold to do anything else what can I say?

kid with a military haircut
Not my youngest!

Vonage Say What?

Here's my latest Vonage Visual Voicemail!

"Hi this is (Saint Robert Walmart?) for the department. We just want to (call?) to know your look like a poster is in. Thank you."

I'm pretty sure it was to tell me that the portrait posters I ordered are in and not that I look like a poster!

Wii for Me

I got a great phone call this morning. You see I entered a drawing the other day. I knew it said "enter to win" and "Wii". What I didn't realize at the time was that it said "a chance to buy" in between. I won the chance to BUY a Wii. Lucky me! I won the chance to spend $250 bucks woohoo me!

Well I know a great deal when I see one so I of course took them up on that deal. I rushed right down there because they said I had 24 hours to claim my prize that I had to pay for. I put it on layaway but I guess that the Wii is STILL hard to come by and Wii have wanted one and gone back and forth about getting one so we're good! The decision is made we will join the Wii wagon!

I told Kirke I "won the chance to buy a Wii". I think he was confused. And of course the PX got them in stock between paydays so layaway was a must. Once I explained he understood. For a week last year I waited outside the gate at the PX for it to open to see if they had any Wii's in for a friend of mine in Michigan. Then I gave up.

We are going to put the Wii in hiding and it will be our "family gift" for when Kirke gets to come home for R&R. That gives me time to buy the million other things you have to buy to go with the Wii. It so better be worth all this! I'm sure it will be. Maybe I'll get the Wii Fit game and lose another 20 pounds before Kirkey comes home for good!

I'm so excited to win that chance to spend hundreds! Woohoo lucky me!

The Things I do for Entertainment!

I found this video from when Korbin was 2 or 3. I was mean, very mean but it's funny!

Wet and Wild is My Style

We had an interesting weekend. We went shopping a half hour south west of here yesterday morning and then wound up a half hour north east of here yesterday afternoon. I spent way too much money and had a great time so it's all going to be okay!



After we were done shopping Brandy and I and our 5 kids headed back to my house to have tacos because I wanted to use my new cheese grater. I realized we needed lettuce so we called up Amber and sent her butt to the commissary but it was closed. So I begged Brandy to go into Subway and ask if she can buy a cup of lettuce! She really did it too! See......

After they called the manager to see if they could even sell her a cup and when he said no the Subway workers took pity on her and gave her a large cup of lettuce for free!

Today I tried to stay home and clean but I got suckered into going to Ambers because she had 5 extra kids. When the other kids left I drug her kicking and screaming to Wal-Mart. I can't for the life of me figure out why we do this. It's as if shopping with "Mommy Can I" and "Please Buy Me" (my two boys shopping names) isn't bad enough that I need to invite my friends and their own "Look at this Mommy" and "No Mommy NO" to come along too in order to add to my wonderful adventures at Wal-Mart.

On went our day that included a pool party for Brandy and Ambers companies. They brought me along out of pity I'm sure. I haven't even been contacted by even email from my FRG. I was shocked that only four wives showed up with their kids. We had the entire gigantic pool all to ourselves.

Korbin conned me into going off the high dive. He said that he would go off of it after I did. Now I'm okay with that but I was scared to death. The stairs up to the high dive had no rails! Not one single handle to grab onto just like a ladder that was wet and slippery and I could have slipped and fallen and cracked my little head open at any moment. So like any good mom I took that chance so that my five year old could take that same chance. Who does that? What kind of mom would encourage this kind of ridiculous activity from her child. Aren't we supposed to work to keep them safe not encourage bravery and chance taking? I must have had too much chlorine because I got to the top and luckily there are rails half way down the diving board or I might have fallen off in all my grace. I carefully made my way to the end, I could not stop and look I just did it, I jumped. I even plugged my nose like a weenie and for some strange reason I also covered my eyes with my other hand! WHO DOES THAT? Like it made the fall shorter? As I went under I was embarrassed to come back up but well, it's not like I had a choice right?

As I came up I saw Korbin walking to the ladder. That little snot climbed up that ladder like it was nothing. I had to choose whether to be in the water for when he jumped or to be behind him on the ladder. It would have made sense to be there to break a fall onto cement but I worried more about him landing in water, with his life vest on..........I'm an idiot!

As it turned out he got up there, he stood at the start of the diving board looked around and then looked at me down in the water and decided he was not going off the end of that thing. I made him wait to climb down until I got out to be there when he climbed down. He tries to be brave and he usually is very brave. But a five year old on a high dive is a bit much to expect.

I got all the kids to go down the water slide even my little Tayton! He went under at the end and everything. Korbin had no fear and was going head first after I had done it first of course! Here's some video's and pictures.

Little C's arm is disappearing it is a horrible thing that occasionally happens around here!

Little Megan swimming around like a champ! She had a good time! Nicholas and Tayton played great together as usual. Nicholas is very good with Tayton it makes me happy!!

Elizabeth somehow missed all of the "in pool" pictures but she's always smiling for the camera!!

I am stupid enough to post a really bad picture of myself in a bathing suit looking like Shamu because it's so darn cute that Tayton posed with his lips on my cheek and his foot held up behind him! And Korbin well he's just Korbin silly look on his face Korbin!

Just a thought...

If soldiers that are stationed away from their spouse are considered geographical bachelors. These are times when the family just isn't able to accompany the soldier because of things like having a senior in high school or special medical/educational needs for children. They are separated and maintain separate households even though they are married. So if that applies to soldiers then doesn't that make the children of deployed soldier Geographical Bastards? Just a thought...and it makes complete sense in my little mind.


Brandy just told the kids that if they didn't be quiet then they were gonna lose their voice. Korbin was loud so I called him down. I told him to get me a bottle out of the recycle bin so I could put his voice into it. He said "but I like my voice" in the most innocent voice that I nearly bust up laughing and totallly blew the whole thing!

I sent him back upstairs and heard him tell his friends "everyone needs to be a little more quieter or they are gonna take our voices". I will be paying for many years of therapy in the future. But it works.....for a minute!


Here are my geographical bastards....We miss you so much Kirke!!

I almost died tonight.

Brandy was actually closer to the attack than I was but only by a few feet.

You see, the kids were all upstairs playing quietly. I swear they were! I know that sounds a bit far fetched but it's true. We had already yelled at them to clean up and have it "vacuum ready" and they did that and were watching cartoons waiting for the DeL's to go home.

We were sitting here minding our own business and watching Property Virgins on HGTV when all of the sudden we heard a huge crash and glass shattering from the kitchen. We hurdled over the coffee table and jumped over the baby gates and stopped dead in our tracks when we saw the culprit.

Sometimes our homes fixtures don't get along well. The globe was probably being all girly and clingy to the light and the light got sick of it and gave that needy globe the old heeve-ho! This domestic dispute ended with broken glass shattered all over my kitchen floor. We'll be working on manners soon!

No one was in the kitchen at the time. Of course Brandy went to start picking up glass and I had to stop her so I could grab my camera like any normal blogger would!

This house is built good and strong I tell ya!

I know that I've shown you that my house is junk once before but let me remind you what meant exactly. You see the walls were separating from the ceilings, the stairs had moved from the wall enough that I could fit my entire hand in the gap between them and they even had forgotten to attach one outer wall to the floor and it had moved out about an inch. You could actually shake it and see it moving! This was the work that had to be done to fix it:

They had to cut this hole in the wall and go under the house and put jacks under it to straighten it back out. The big hole is where they climbed in under my stairs to reattach them to the wall. It was kinda cool to see the gaps everywhere one minute and then a few jacks later they were gone.

Maybe the next time I sneeze all the walls will come down! Could happen, anything is possible in these high quality, well built homes ya know!

Sibling Rights

I want to tell you a little story. It all started here:

These two little kids lived in Michigan. **NOTE TO MOM PEOPLE DRESS LIKE THIS IN TEXAS NOT MICHIGAN** We weren't supposed to be dressed that way I'm sure! It does look like a good game of Cowboys and Indians was about to begin. Now I mentioned before that he had tied to me a tree stump which still brings back horrible nightmares every third Thursday on odd numbered months when there is a full moon! So dressing me as the Indian was appropriate I'm sure, thanks Mom! (Love ya mom)

After being dressed like this he probably had to start standing up for himself. In the process it may have appeared he was standing up for me too. So he probably just went with it.

Finally mom got David a haircut and some better clothes:

Unfortunately she forgot to buy me some socks! Instead it looks as though she made me wear Davids super gigantic, in style, colored stripe around the knee to draw attention to how ridiculous I looked socks. Notice David with his haircut and tape recorder in the background. That was probably so he could record the mean things other kids said to me for his own use against me later after he whooped up on those bullies for calling his little sister names! (Only he could get away with that!)

Then we grew up.

I thought that it had ended here:
(scanned straight from my wedding scrapbook)


David GAVE ME AWAY! Isn't that like signing over you rights as a sibling? There has to be a stipulation that states that once given away you relinquish all rights to torment, torture, make fun of, harass or embarrass previously mentioned sibling. (Tranny Head should know, maybe she'll find that for me??)

Here it is, proof he handed me over to my wonderful tick killing husband who has left me to play in the sandbox! Or he's off defending our country and my right to blog, lol! Man I miss my Kirke!

Of course that still entitles David to his right to defend his little sister. And 28 years later my big brother still prevails!

Here is his heated response to Anon. a few days back! I had to share so the world can see that my big brother really does love me even though he gave me away almost 9 years ago!!

It is about time, I have been waiting for a very long time for someone to speak up. Thank you Idaho!! My hometown here seems to be getting flooded with idiots and I think that it is because they have lost track of their clan and now that I know you are located in Idaho I can pass along the message to them and maybe they will leave.

Just because Michelle says that she misses her husband killing the ticks for her doesn't mean that is all she misses about him you moron! It is the little things he does for as her well as the big things that tells her that he loves her, it is his way of saying "Honey I love you this much."

Being a former soldier myself I can tell you she is 100% correct when she says that the soldiers don't want to get online and read bad or sad news and it's not because they don't care but because it breaks their hearts even that much more to know that physically there is nothing they can really do. So I suggest that next time you decide to open your F****** mouth you stop and think first you idiot!

Thanks David you're the best! Oh wait that's me that's the "BEST" you're just well...YOU!!

To the greatest big brother of all time!! I love you!

Kindergarten Retention for Sensory Integration Disorder Kidlets!

I got a comment yesterday from someone who stumbled on my blog through google searching "retain kindergarten". I'm still surprised that I'm google search worth even if it is 12 pages into the search.

Anyhow this mom has a child who has Sensory Integration Disorder like my little Tayton. It's not often that I find other people who have ever heard of SI let alone are in my boat. So I thought I'd answer her question.

We had an advantage when it came to retaining Tate in kindy because we knew from the first day of kindergarten that he would be a two year kindy kid. He had already done two years in the same Pre-K class so it seemed natural to him. But when it came time for him to complete the first year of kindergarten and his classmates to go on to first grade we worried about how he would handle the news.

We talked to him about how much fun kindergarten is and how some kids have to go to first grade. Then we explained to him that some kids get to be in kindergarten for two years and he was one of the lucky ones. With Tayton's SI he does not handle change well at all so it was fine with him. He actually told us "I don't ever want to go to first, second, thrid or fourth grade, I just want to stay in kindergarten forever."

Maybe telling your son will be that simple. Maybe not. SI kids need so much more time to adjust to new ideas than other kids. The way that their brains process information is like a highway that's congested in some areas and deserted in others. Tayton is scared to death to start first grade so we are talking about it often and reassure him like crazy that it's what comes next.

We did tell Tayton too that some of his other classmates that were going on to first grade had already done two years of kindergarten so now it was his turn. And of course that was true. Taytons second year of kindergarten made a world of difference in him. He finally started socializing a little bit with his peers and blasted to the top of the reading charts. He started to talk to his teachers more and just matured overall. Kids are resilient he will adjust but the more time you give him to get used to the idea of kindergarten again the better off you'll be. Good luck! Let me know how it goes. You can always email me at my address on my "about me" page!

It should be obvious but....

People don't seem to believe or realize the things my children have done or are capable of doing. So here is a list of lessons learned and rules that I have come up with .....usually much too late.

Do not stand on your brother! (approx ages 2 & 6mo)

Finding a screw driver does not give you permission to disassemble every item in the house with screws to include the door latch plates, coolers (yep didn't know they even had screws) and every toy in your bedroom! (around 3&4)

We do not make chocolate milk by dumping 1/2 gallon of white and 1/2 gallon of chocolate in the carpet! (first deployment, ages 2&3 yr old)
A complete jug of laundry detergent dumped on the basement floor is incredibly hard to clean up and makes for very very sudsy next load of towels in the wash! (first deployment, 2&3 yr old)

Even if you throw eighteen eggs on the kitchen floor there are still no chickens!! (again first deployment)

A lamp/end table that takes mommy 30 minutes to assemble only takes a bathroom visit by mom for two boys to disassemble. All while daddy watched from Iraq on webcam and couldn't do a thing about it!!

Pouring milk into the deep freezer is NOT how to make ice cream!

Sticking your foot into a boot that was used to hide an opened popsicle is really gross!!

Do not throw things out the second story play room window! (This really happened. I was sitting in the living room minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye I swore I saw something fly by, and then again and then I saw it! Yep they were throwing random toys out the window!!) (Ages 3&4)

A hat thrown onto a ceiling light fixture will catch on fire!

A magnetic hot wheels car put into a two day old very expensive microwave will catch on fire. (again first deployment ages 2&3)

When a small boy with a significant speech delay says anything that sounds even a little like "fire" you should run!

Husband looks like an idiot when he calls the fire department because the house is filled with smoke when the fire department comes and it's toast in the toaster that was being held down by a hungry 3 year old. (Happened, yep, real life, Dana called me to tell me to come to her house before coming home after work. All of this was compliments of Korbin. I watched the fire truck go by shortly before that when I was working but I didn't realize it was going to my house.)

Do not put your brother in the lazy susan! It's very hard to get a small child out! (that's Korbin) Plastic Easter eggs flushed down the toilet will cause a major back up causing daddy to take apart the toilet to find the problem. Then he put it back together and realized there was more than one egg in the toilet and requires the process to be repeated! Always check for more than one!!! ages (3&4)

Paper cups flushed down the toilet will cause a backup. The plumber guy will come out and tell you that there must be another problem and it can't be just a cup. He will put in a new toilet and not tell you what the problem was, however his little helper will tell you, it was a cup. Hmmm who said that to begin with? ME ME ME!! Don't use paper cups....go green!

Do not paint the wall with yogurt! (Tayton age 2)

Sharpie ink can be removed from the refrigerator, floor, cabinets and counters using lots and lots of rubbing alcohol. Using that much rubbing alcohol might concern your neighbors.

And since I couldn't find the sharpie picture I'll leave you with this one instead!! Because getting dressed has always been confusing in this house!

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Alright I'm over it. I talked to Kirke today on yahoo and I showed him the message and he assured me that that guy was a moron (Not that we needed any confirmation but it definately helped!) Kirke is very anxious to be able to be online long enough to read my blog again.

Tranny Head commented and she said "I'm telling you these rude commenters are the sign of a successful blog . . . I know that sounds odd, but it shows that somebody is paying attention enough to try to get a rise out of you.So - Congratulations!"

I'm taking that and moving on.

I should be in bed because I have a Party Lite Party tomorrow at 10am (come on over!) and then a Relay For Life fundraiser from 3-8 tomorrow night. But I just got done editing some videos that have been hanging out in my phone for safe keeping. Ok just since yesterday after we went swimming at the "real" pool.

Korbin has no fear as he flies off the diving board onto his face!

Cannon Ball:

And his weird all of the sudden I'm scared jump:

Tayton was not interested in the whole diving board thing. He is happy to just paddle around in his life vest floating away the day.

And to end our day I found this:

This is a pair of Kirke's Air Assault wings that I found pinned into the wall. I asked Korbin why he did that and he simply said "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to."

Tomorrow I will start my list of obvious rules for them just in case they don't realize they aren't supposed to pour milk in the freezer or save their popsicles in my shoes!

Happy 100th Blog to ME!

I had this whole idea that my 100th blog would be great. Instead I got a message from someone brave enough to not even leave a name. And I know you long timer bloggers are going to tell me to ignore it but here's the thing, ANONYMOUS blog reader hit a nerve and I want to set the record straight.

First off here's the comment that I know I should not be giving this much thought to...

wow your a dumbass. the thing you miss most about your husband thats been deployed is his tick killing. He shud get rid of you! The thing that shud get you is you wanting to see him, you missing him, you wanting him to be safe, but instead its f***in ticks, wow your messed up

It was in regards to this post.

Since you're anonymous via comment I thought I'd like to find out a little more about your sorry ass. Then I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world.

Here is what I know about Mr/Ms Anonymous:

VISITOR ANALYSIS
Referring Link
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=worst
Host Name
IP Address
72.24.247.137
Country
United States
Region
Idaho
City
Boise
ISP
Cable One
Returning Visits
0
Visit Length
0 seconds
VISITOR SYSTEM SPECS
Browser
MSIE 7.0
Operating System
Windows Vista
Resolution
1280x1024
Javascript
Enabled

So much for anonymity right? Statcounter is awesome!

I'm not going to take the time to correct the use of grammar, lack of capitalization or misspelling the word SHOULD. Nope I'm not gonna do that cause that's just critical and I'm not one to criticize or judge someones writing. However, hairstyle, bad clothing choices at ZZ Top concerts and saying stupid things in public well thats just fair game. OH or running into patio doors cause that's just funny!

Instead I want to make it VERY unmistakable clear to everyone out there in the bloggy universe that I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Kirke is unmistakably a part of who I am and I am a better person when he is here with me. I go to bed and pray my little heart out every night that nothing happens to him. I wait on pins and needles when he doesn't call or IM when I'm expecting him to. Everyone who knows us knows that we are a close family. We do everything together and he is an incredible Daddy and husband.

And guess what else, he loves us too! Yep! He doesn't want to read my blog and read about how I can't watch the news because I'm so scared to hear of another soldier killed. He doesn't want to read about me crying myself to sleep at night knowing that I have over 400 more nights without him in his holding me or kissing me goodnight. He doesn't want to read about me having the computer in his spot on my bed with a picture of him to look at every night as I try desperately to fall asleep. My husband wants to laugh when he reads my blog. He wants to hear about the boys doing funny thing and putting me through the ringer and me finding ways to laugh about it. He wants to read about me being silly and crazy and funny because that is who I am and why he loves me.

So F*** off Anonymous and anyone else who dares question my love, me missing Kirke and my concern over my husband being a thousands of miles away because those of you who know me can see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice and probably notice it in everything else I do everyday because I am not ME without my soldier.

F*** you anonymous for obviously not being beside my husband fighting for our freedoms. You're obviously not a soldier, marine, airman, or seaman. You're most certainly not a spouse and you're definitely not worth the time I'm putting into this, my 100th blog but you hit a f***ing nerve.

You can insult anything you want but when you dare comment on the love between my husband and I while he's fighting for the freedom you're busy enjoying you've gone too far.

My 100th Blog is now about how much I love my soldier. He's my best friend and there is nothing in this world that I want more right now than for him to walk through the door and say the deployment is over and be able to kiss and hug him. If I could fast forward time I certainly would because what we go through when we are separated is often too much to handle.

I love you Kirke. And I dare someone to try to change the fact that you love me too baby!

Eyeball Fetishes and Creepy Stuff

I talked to my friend Wendy last night. She cracks me up. You see she saw on tv that some animal was licking its own eyeball. She felt the need to call me laughing at 10pm to ask if I can lick my eyeball. Of course not but for some reason the word Oculolinctus came flying from my mouth as I remembered the term from an article in Cosmo a million years ago about creepy people with eyeball licking fetishes.

Wikipedia says:

Oculolinctus (also known as "worming") is a paraphilia whereby people are aroused by licking their partner's eyeballs and or having their eyeballs licked.

So instead of me looking super smart by knowing this terminology I look like some sort of creepy eyeball licker. I tried to explain how Kirke and I were laughing hysterically and then made oculolinctus jokes for a few weeks. Noooo the truth is too strange to believe so instead I'm certain she thinks I'm some sort of creepy.

Well I'm putting this on the record that eyeballs freak me out! I don't want to touch yours or mine with my finger or any other part of my body.

This is one reason why:

When my aunt got contacts for the first time a million years ago she had this little plunger thing that she asked my best friend and I to use to help her get her contact out cause she couldn't get it. The popping feeling of the plunger on the eyeball as we missed time after time not even able to find the stupid contact was enough to freak me out for life.

Your welcome! I knew you'd wanna see that so I googled pictures of eye plungers!

I'm done

That's right I'm done! I just turned in my final paper for my AA. I'm so glad. And no I wont be starting my BA for a while. And when I do I will not be going to school online again. I spent the last 2 years working my ass off writing millions of papers to get a degree and paid a ton! But the problem is that I paid all that money for them to hand me the materials and say here ya go, teach yourself this material. You can email me questions. If I'm gonna pay someone to teach me they are gonna teach me dog-gone-it!

I feel liberated. I might go dance naked in the streets now!

I've done this before!

Today the girls and I went to donate blood again. We were actually a month late. We did platelets last week. I was the first one in the chair and I'm super fast at donating. We had 7 kids with us this time. Two of them were under the age of one. They cried and cried! The staff was terrible with it and was down right mean. The two ladies we do know that we see everytime we dontate were awesome though!



Here are the pictures:




And I don't know what happened or why it happened but I finished donating and she removed the needle and wrapped me right up and I was going to grab my snack and head outside with the kiddos. Well I got to the door, sat down for a drink and a snack and next thing I knew I thought I was gonna be sick and pass out all at the same time!


They dragged me kicking and screaming back into the room and made me lay down on the "I'm lame and can't handle giving blood" lounger. And ever since then I've felt horrible. I slept this afternoon and then got up and still feel bad. I have a Tupperware Party to go do at 6 so it'll be interesting. I already warned the hostess that I'm not feeling well so it will be a short demo.


Hopefully this never happens again. Grrr karma! I laughed at Roxy and called her "Fainty Faintasaurus" last time (I have issues with name calling turned into new dinosaurs) and this is what I get! Shame on me! Sorry Roxy!

***UPDATE***

Well I survived my Tupperware Party barely! But I did and it was so worth it! I made some good cash! Anyone need some Tupperware? LOL! I still feel crappy and now I'm gonna have to wait till tomorrow to finish my paper but that will just have to be okay because right now my head is too loopy feeling!

In my opinion it's totally worth feeling so crappy for one day if it means I can save three lives of people who feel this crappy everyday. My one day of yuck is no comparison! Go donate!!

Maybe I Should Have Had Girls!

The boys have been awesome today!

They hung out with Amber while I went to be on the radio again today. I do love doing that but today I wasn't really into it. I didn't even say anything funny! I guess because we are in a time crunch until Relay For Life August 8th and this community has got to pull it together. The majority of the committee and work is being done by military who all have roots somewhere far from here. It's hard to do something for a county that doesn't seem to want to give anything of themselves. We need more participation from them, any suggestions?

This is gonna be the most awesome Relay this county has ever seen! Check out this magician that is donating his time to come and do an hour long performance on the stage and two hours of up close and personal magic!

Okay, so on to the title of this blog.

My super helpful boys unloaded the dishwasher. Tayton's OT told us it would be useful for him to do chores like loading clothes from the washer to the dryer to build strength in his arms and trunk. She said to let him climb right in and pull out the clothes so we do. Cause I'm a cool mom like that!! I was sitting here in my command center reading blogs writing my final paper when I saw Korbin slide his arms into one of my bras! I reached for the camera a minute too late as he pitched it into the dryer.

Luckily for me, my cell phone was right here so that I could capture this precious moment! Listen close you can hear their conversation cause they had no idea I was watching!

Meet my Brother...

My brother is soooo ugly funny looking that I thought I should introduce you all to him. He lives in my hometown in Michigan with my awesome she'd have to be to put up with him sister in law and handsome nephew!

Here is an example of what I grew up with and why I am who I am today. This is the comment he left for me today on my bee vs dyson blog:

I watched your bee video and I have to inform you that I am trying to make contact with the Bee Aggrevation Salvation Team Against Really Dumb Stuff or better known as B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S, and you know as well as I do that they have to exist especially if they have a team that inspects live fish eyeballs for fish hook damage!!! Just kidding, just wanted you to know I was here and we love you all. Carson wants to see Cool Dude soon so we are going to have to work something out soon. P.S. Did you call dad today? It was his b-day and you better tell me that yo woke up this morning and sang happy birthday to him!(JK). Elizabeth and Carson went over for his b-day dinner.



The singing happy birthday comment is referring to my dad who every year says "oh yeah sorry I didnt call on your birthday but I sang happy birthday to you at 6 o'clock when I first woke up!

Love you David, Elizabeth and not so baby Carson

How do I keep friends?

It's three simple things:

Chocolate, Dr Pepper and DVR'ing their favorite shows!

They never say no to my ten o'clock invites!

Haha Suckers!

Google Searching

I read a lot of blogs and a trend I see is people posting about the keyword searches that have led others to their blogs. I wanted to see how people might be stumbling onto my blog.

Here's what I found:

"Brats You Tube"

My brats are on You Tube

"Pictures of Mohogs Hair"

I thought mohog was just my five year olds word for mohawk. I didn't know real people used it on purpose.


"You know me well enough to tell"

To tell what? Apparently not.

"Army of two cheesh"

What's a cheesh?

"Flashing Truckers"

I did not, I swear! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

"What are flies drawn to?"

Use your imagination.

"Brat boy toys"

For sale? No thanks we have plenty.

"35 pounds of laundry"

OMG I'm never gonna live down the fact that I told the world we suck at doing laundry here.

"Military leave sucks"

Only if you don't plan it right.

"Life in the Army sucks"

On even numbered days CONUS and odd numbered days OCONUS

"Hair Army cuts"

Privates. The Army cuts the privates hair. That goes along well with Tranny Heads blog yesterday.

"Being in the Army Sucks"

I wouldn't know. But most jobs do.

"Help I don't know how I want my hair cut"

I wouldn't recommend my advice for this problem. Haven't you seen this picture?


"Does naughty allie do army guys?"

Ewww! She's a dog so I hope not! Poor Allie.

"Army brats video"

Yep I have lots. This was the worst!

"Story about running away"

That would be THIS ONE

"lego big boy you to"b

First say that five times fast. Did you do it? Now try to make sense of it. Can you? I can't.

"never happy women"

That would lead them to this one.

"Military brat goes wild"

As long as it's not girls gone wild I'm good right?

"I don't want to go in to Army"

Me either, YUCK!

"What happens if I suck flies up in my vacuum?"

THIS

And lastly there was this one:
"juno we wont stop until they call the cops and even then we will pretend nothing ever happened and then we'd start again"

Try a shorter search AND click HERE for the real lyrics and video!

And for any of you who are wondering if these are true click on my stat counter at the bottom and go to keyword analysis.

Isn't that super? Just fan-freakin-tastic? It made me laugh and that's all that matters. It's important that you laugh too, don't get me wrong, but if I'm laughing, I'm happy. I wanna be happy.

Korbins Crying

Korbin is crying like he's been beaten.
He is extremely dramatic.
He was upstairs when I heard the screaming start.

He came down the stairs and I asked him what was wrong.



Me: Why are you acting like a baby crying?



Korbin: Tayton called me a name.



Me: What name?



Korbin: Butterfly.



Me: Are you a butterfly?



Korbin: No.



Me: I'm not seeing the problem here.



Away he flew like a butterfly.



Is it time for school to start yet?

Now they are upstairs yelling at each other, oh dear I hear growling!

Oh no! Here they come....

Me: what is the problem?

Korbin: Tayton doesn't want to watch Dr Phil and I do!

Tayton: Well I don't and I can't find the remote.

Vonage Visual Voice Mail

I've had Vonage for a while now. It's alright. I can't complain really. I use that phone number for all of least important callers and all of my important people just call my cell phone. In fact my Vonage phone isn't even plugged in right now because I just set up a different router cause that one was crap.

My voicemails are sent to my gmail inbox and then I can open then as an audio file and ignore them call back people like any responsible person would right? Well they have this feature that will transcribe your messages for you so you can read them instead of having to download a file to listen to it. I thought this was a fantastic idea because I often check my email on my phone and I can't listen to the messages that way.

I downloaded the service. The problem is that these are the messages I am getting in my email inbox:


"Hi. Good afternoon. This is Leo (??) headquarters. This is regarding a call Cheryl made to us again she's calling us today about some of the items that she had turn in to you. She said she got... she's still missing a quarter of it. So, I hope you could ask her to call Cheryl and explain to her if she could actually give those to her. To her, ask her about the date that's gonna ask you to giver her, give that to her. Hope you could actually give this customer a callback within 2 days or Monday for this issue. I hope you will be able to resolve this locally in your end. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful day. Bye-bye."-Tupperware customer care

Seriously? What does that mean? I think that means they want me to give those to her to her to her.

"Hey you would come your ball,why you won't call me back,I know your sad,call me when your lonely,bye. " -my good friend Wendy

My dear sweet friend Wendy calls me and leaves dumb messages all the time and I do the same to her but even this was beyond our normal.

"Hi. Michelle Esparza. I just got us a mouse on my both attempt to a point I was downstairs to know where was that. If you could please call me at 774-XXXX or you can reach me at all times at 422-XXXX regarding their, who the of the life where we need to talk to you. Thank you very much. Bye-bye."

My name is not Michelle Esparza! Although I can see how you might confuse Esparza and Best. A mouse? You got us a mouse? We don't want a mouse! This was a lady calling about Relay For Life....I think!

"Hi, this is (Madlam?) from the Uptown Chronic in DPS. I'm calling because it's time for (corpulent anula?) exam. If you could call back, the number is 573-329-XXXX."

I have no words for this. None. It's supposed to say "Hi this is Madylyn from the optometry clinic at the PX. I'm calling because it's time for Korbins annual exam...."

"Hi, Mimi there Tupperware Customer here. I am the hint from Michelle Best. I am calling regarding her concern here in tupperware around the credit card charge. If you do receive this call and you have lessons to. Please do give us a callback here in Tupperware Costumer Care so that we could close this ticket. Okay? Thank you so much for being my call. You have a wonderful day, Michelle. Bye now."

She is the hint from me? I'm so glad I got to be her call for the day!


And to think I pay a quarter for this service! It's worth it for a good laugh!

I got busted by Four Balls Betty!

We all knew it was going to happen and that it was just a matter of time. Today time ran out. Our indoor pool partying days are over. Our housing company that was running the military family housing on this post didn't care about the pool in the garage. Unfortunately they were bought out or crashed and burned and we got a new company. Balfour Beatty, which I prefer to call from here on out Four Balls Betty, took over and has totally rained on my parade!


Now I'm draining the pool. Don't get me wrong, I understand having the pool in the garage is odd. However they are freakin nuts! They said that it's okay for me to have this giant pool. BUT they said I have to drain it everynight for safety issues with neighbor kids having access to it and drowning. I asked if I'd have to drain it daily if it's in my fenced in back yard. She said YES! Can you believe that crap? I told her that was one of the reasons I had it in the garage was to have control over when and who used my pool. I'm not impressed. So I'm sitting here thinking of my next plan. Maybe I could put it in the dining room? No one would see it there right? Oh but then we'd have to worry about damage in the house. The garage has a cement floor and its sloped so that water runs out into the driveway...we know from the wild splashing.

On the bright side I can use my garage again. UGH I'm not feeling so bright sided.

It's our Fifth and Sixth Fourth

This is Korbins fifth Fourth of July and Tayton's sixth. Its also their second one without their daddy in that short time. We had a wonderful time despite that. We went to a good friends house where they cooked all of my favorite foods! Ribeye's, cheesy potatoes and orange salad YUM! Then we went with those same friends and Amber and Brandy's families to the Soldier Show.

We got our chairs set up and watched the kids play while we waited for the show to start. We were fairly close to the stage but on the side. I had this conversation with Nicholas, Brandy's ten year old:

Nicholas: What are we sitting here for?

Me: The Soldier Show will be starting soon.

Nicholas: What's a Soldier Show?

Me: It's soldiers who sing and dance for us.

Nicholas: *with a freaked out look on his little face* Ummm...I've heard my dad sing and I've seen my dad dance and it's not good.

Me: *smacks him in the back of the head playfully* No goof ball these are soldiers who really can sing and dance!

He looked at me like I was crazy for wanting to watch a soldier show when he knows very well his dad can't sing or dance! It was funny. It'll be sad when he loses that innocent naivety. It cracks me up the way these kids process information with what little bit of information they've picked up over their few years on Earth!

We enjoyed the soldier show and OUR little ones danced and danced! I took tons of videos. The problem with my videos is that, well, I'm retarded. I use my regular camera for everything and I take a lot of pictures with the camera turned sideways to cut out more of the background. Well when I take videos it's often on a whim so I just flip the button to video and go on about my business taking videos. Then I get home and realize all of my video's are sideways and cant be turned! GRRR! So for your viewing pleasure I'm going to let you all turn your heads sideways and watch the kids dance.



The soldiers came out and did Thriller and I loved it! It was so funny. Here's the video I got of that:



I love when the soldier comes out at the end with his/her weapon and all the zombies are down.



The last song they did was really great. Then they played the Army Song and Korbin did this little march.



We had a good time despite the stupidity of this post and the way they spoil the privates. The most important thing is that we got our ZZ Top tickets! I over heard someone say "ZZ Top? Shouldn't they be retired by now?" I suppose they could be but what fun would that be for me? This post function didn't bring out the weirdo's that Ft Knox did when they had the ZZ Top concert but I'm expecting much of the same KY style mullets and old ladies in teenage clothes at that concert. Here are a few of the weirdest things I saw on the fourth.

Seriously? You wrote that on your chair? Come on people!!


I love this picture!



This lady just creeped me out.

Then of course there's this. I loved it when they were singing and dancing in their ACU's with their weapons!

Korbin cracks me up!

I have this way with my brats boys when I want to know what they want/need. I usually will ask a question followed by "yes or no". For example: "Korbin do you want some lemonade? Yes or no?" This prevents a whole discussion about his socks and how his toes like lemonade but his ears aren't in the mood and blah blah blah blah blah.

The boys have picked up on this technique because I also have a tendency to ramble on endlessly before getting around to an answer. They will say: "mom can we go ride our bikes? Yes or no?" It saves time really.

Well Korbin has decided to shorten the process even more. He just ran up to me and said "say yes". I looked at him puzzled for a second and then I did what any lazy logical mom would do and said "Yes".

Korbin ran back to the kitchen and I hear him say "see I told you mom said you have to wash your hands before you eat!"

Thank god it wasn't something like "see I told you mom said we could dance on the table around a fire".

I'm going to have to avoid the impulse to just say yes or no and find out the what he's up to first!



Oh and this just in from the mouth of Korbin:

Excuse me mom?

Me: Yes?

I think I have diarhea.

Me: ok why?

Cause it left some water black and some water clear and it was a soft feel.

Me: umm ok

I already flushed though so you can't see.

Me: Oh good, thank you!

Kids are gross!! And since I had to hear it you should too! So HA!

Happy Fourth Of July

We had a fantastic day yesterday! We started out the day driving to Springfield over an hour away to have our blood syphoned out of us, cycled through an apheresis machine and separated so that they could keep our platelets and plasma and we got our red and white blood cells returned to us in an anticoagulant solution. It was super fun!

Actually it was really nice. We sat in these super comfy heated chairs and laughed a lot and raced to the finish. Brandy got up first but dang it all I only took 51 minutes and she took 56! So there! She got the fancy fast machine. Hers mixed the platelets and plasma into one bag so she actually got to donate 5.3 and Amber and I only got to do 4.0 on our old antique machines that bagged the platelets and plasma separately. Not that I know what those numbers represent but I know that 5.3 is way bigger than 4.0.

Platelets are used for many different types of patients. When you donate whole blood it takes the blood of six donors to accumulate enough platelets for the recipients tranfusion. When you donate platelets that donation can be delivered immediately to the recipient. This means they recieve the transfusion from one donor instead of six different donors. Platelets can only be stored for five days. Click here to learn more about how you can help!


I think the workers found it strange that I wanted to see my platelets and have my picture taken with them but they went with it. The most amazing woman entertained our children, 6 of them came with us! She gave them little stuffed "platelet buddies" and played hide the platelet buddy and even built a hotel a house and something else out of old cardboard boxes for the kids to use. It was great. They were having fun so it made it easier to relax and enjoy knowing that we could save so many lives in just an hour of our time. We'll be donating whole blood this week sometime and plan to donate platelets whenever we head to Springfield since it's the closest place.

Here's the pictures!



We got our own parking spots!!









Here we are with our platelets!



That's me, I'm quite proud of my pastey looking bag of platelets!



Here's Amber.



And of course Brandy!



This is the greatest lady ever and our 6 kids! Woohoo for her making our morning enjoyable!

And that was only the first few hours before noon! The afternoon and evening blog is next!

Amber Kidnapped Me

Yep that's the truth no matter what she says. She's a horrible ex-felon and tried to abuse me too. Or not but it makes for a more exciting story.

Fine I'll tell the truth! Amber's kids were gone for a million weeks OR three but who's counting? So we drove four hours each way to meet her in laws and get the girls. The boys started asking are we there yet? I assured them we were. We were there and there and now we're here. They should have been more specific. But if we were there we wouldn't have still be driving right? Common sense boys!!

Before we left Amber asked what was all over the back of my shirt. I had no idea, it wasn't like I could see it! Well it turns out the boys were so sweet the other day to leave a crayon in their pocket and it ruined a load of laundry. Lucky me! So I ran up and threw on another top. On the drive to our halfway mark I realized I was flashing truckers as we drove by cause the seat belt was in just the wrong place! Men designed that no doubt! We got to the truck stop and I realized that I was like the boob queen! Amber assured me my shirt was alright. That was until she sat across from me at the table. She couldn't look at me cause my boob shirt was too distracting! Lucky for me we were at a truck stop. I found a tshirt and went to pay. The lady tried to put it in a bag and I told her no need since I was going to put it on right away. I played the shy, sweet modest girl who was so embarrassed that I had so much boobage showing. It was fun to pretend!

So anyhow on the drive home I jokingly said we should stop and get some of the road flowers that were so pretty! Next thing I know she headed over the rumble strips onto the shoulder, opened my door, unbuckled my seat belt and told me to tuck and roll as she shoved me out! Seriously! I can't make these things up!

I picked a bunch of the pretty orange flowers, pretended I was puking when cars went by though so no one would think we would do something so stupid as to stop to pick flowers! Then we needed more color so a little ways down she stopped so I could get some pinkish/purple ones. More fake puking as I picked some flowers! Then she started telling me the names of flowers and I remarked about her similarities to my grandma who is the only person I know who knows flowers names. (Ok not really but still!) She didn't like it! We stopped at a rest stop and they had some Black Eyed Susans, which I'm sure was named after a victim of spousal abuse. I was gonna pick one but this darn lady was watching me. So I did what any logical person would do. I told Amber to do it! She did!

So here's the final arrangement. Amber has the good pictures on her blog here. (guess she better hurry up and blog that story huh?)



Oh and I almost forgot I took this picture for Burgh Baby's Mama because she has a fascination with creepy looking baby dolls. And while this baby doll wasn't so creepy at first, she was after Amber's daughter ripped her arms and legs off. I just gave her a new body and this is exactly what we delivered to Brandy when we took her the flowers after our drive!




Today I found out that Bowling For Soup is playing with ZZ TOP here in August! I LOVE LOVE LOVE them! They make me laugh. I like to laugh!

BeeWare of the Dyson!

Well I know that it's mighty soon after posting how wonderful my rainbow POS is but here's the real story. It's a pain in the tail. I spent so much time and gag reflex emptying the rainbows water collection tank. The problem is that I vacuum, well I like to, a couple times a day. It usually needs it. Ever since we got the rainbow I have totally slacked on vacuuming as well as overall house cleaning cause whats the point if the floors are dirty right? HA! Anyhow like I was saying, I spent more time cleaning it then I did cleaning with it and it was gross. It was like emptying swamp water into a strainer and then throwing the strained junk swamp monster into the trash. Then I had to take the trash out cause the swamp monster smells like a swamp on a hot summer day. Blech! It was absolutely disgusting. Usually I could get away with just using the rainbow and leaving it for Kirke to empty when he got home. It would really stink by the time he got home now! YUCK! So anyhow we got a new vacuum yesterday. Yes I have an obsession. Yes I'm seeking psychological attention for this problem. I have now owned a Kirby, Rainbow, and now a Dyson. I promise I'm done now. But don't tell Kirke that okay, just in case an emergency arises. The boys love vacuums as well. Today after grocery shopping Tate helped me carry in the bags. Well then Tayton wanted to vacuum. How do you say no to a kid who wants to vacuum? He did the living room. As he was finishing up I saw a gigantic bumble bee in the window. I grabbed the extension hose for the attachments (which by the way is like 17feet long!!) and I walked over and sucked that big giant stinging airplane out of my window. The cool thing about these bagless vacuums is being able to see the junk your sweeping up. That included bees! The boys and I started to watch the be whirl around over and over fighting off the cyclonic power of the Dyson. Then decided that we shouldn't keep this entertainment all to ourselves so we made a video, actually two. The three of us boys watched this excitement of the dizzy bee twirling in circles for quite a while! Here you go.
And here's more video of the same thing but a few minutes later.